From Wanting to End My Life to Celebrating My 61st Birthday

From a 28 year old type 3 with suicidal thoughts, I’m in the middle of my healing journey. I found DYT last year and immediately typed myself as a 1/2. I had put out the intention that I really wanted to find myself, and DYT coveniently landed in my lap. It’s safe to say that my healing started revving up at that point, because it meant facing everything about myself that I had been pushing away, that I had been taught was wrong. I fully believed that I was a type 1 at the time, in fact I had never been so sure of anything in my life, but I never managed to dress the part. I had the clothes, tried to get the haircut (it never turned out right), could not be bothered with make up. I assumed that it was my inner child resisting showing my true self to the world, as it had been so shamed in my childhood, and I left it at that, assuming that it would get better as I healed. (There were always doubts, but I kept getting the message to stick to what I instinctively typed my self as from the very beginning so I kept going). Earlier this year, after continuously telling myself “it’s safe to be me” over a month or so, something happened. I borrowed a burgundy tshirt from my boyfriend, and it was as if I had been struck by lightning. The dang t-shirt looked amazing on me. Ive always loved burgundy and olive greens, colours that I had to give up when I started dressing as a type 1, but here I was, back in my true element (though I didn’t know it at the time) and I was pissed off. I had spent sooo much time and money trying to dress and look like an awesome type 1, and it never worked. Something always felt off. And here I was, changing literally one thing about my outfit (the colour nearest to my face) and I looked effortlessly amazing compared to every single type 1 outfit I had ever tried. It didn’t take me long to realise that I’m a type 3, and even tho it felt strange and unfamiliar at first (it was the only type that I couldn’t identify with at all) it also felt like coming home. I could finally say “that’s why I always liked that!” for real.

The thing is, I’ve spent my entire life living like a very wounded type 2 or 4, very low energy compared to th 3/1 I really am. I started dressing type 3 with the few clothes that didn’t make the initial purge, which was amazing, but then various things happened and my mood took a complete nose dive again. The depression that had steadily gotten better over the past 6 months came back with a vengeance, and I was drained of all the energy I previously had from discovering my true type. It suddenly felt obvious that revealing my true self, the one that had been shamed so early in my life that I never even could remember it happening, had triggered those old feelings of shame and I was back in the dark familiar hole with no sign of a way out. And that has been my year, many ups and downs, mostly downs after any brief up, which has been very frustrating in itself. I haven’t really managed to dress my truth this year, I’ve just changed my colours around, done smaller bits when I’ve had the energy for it, but this Christmas I decided to really go full type 3 (I was spending it with my family after all…) and show the true wonderful me to the people who had judged me too much for my entire life.

And it was AMAZING. I truly felt like myself, just being with other people wasn’t an effort, I could tell them exactly what was happening in my life without second guessing myself, or being questioned. They accepted me, even though I’m not sure they quite understood why. The day after I was completely drained. My mood dipped again. Yesterday was even worse, I had a breakdown and once again I felt like there was no way out of the darkness and I wanted to die again.

So to end this on a more positive note: this video reminded me that this is what happens, but that it’s not the end. Yesterday I felt like healing just wasn’t possible, today I know that healing is inevitable. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You have changed my life and I love you. I once again feel ready to carry on forward in life as my true wonderful self. It’s the best gift I could ever receive.

Happy birthday xxx